My dick is on fire.
This is going to be a photo finish!
I never thought that holding in pee could hurt this bad. I’m physically shaking, and silently reminding myself over and over to not piss in my pants.
This is what happens when you allow a “no bathroom breaks” clause in a drinking game.
I lift up the toilet seat and reach down for my fly. I fumble around a bit in drunkeness and in haste, unable to find it. I try to maintain my composure, but I quickly lose it. I start frantically fumbling and pulling at the seam.
“Where the fuck is the fly?!”
Still pinching my legs together, balancing on the tips of my toes, I look down and realize very quickly that there is no fly.
“Son of a...” I trail off.
The realization that I have no fly on this goddamned costume nearly makes me collapse right there. The suit is a one piece spandex costume. There’s only one zipper, and it’s on my back.
This will be my end.
It’s Halloween, and I am at a party. People are all dancing to the Monster Mash and eating jello-o brain shots. Neo is making out with a surgeon. Princess Leia is mixing drinks while a vampire chats her up. Richie Rich, the Mad Hatter, Satan, and a Kitty are all debating the intricacies of online dating. One of the Ghostbusters is passed out already, and people have drawn penises on his face in black marker. And locked in the can, struggling to free his penis so that he might urinate in a toilet rather than his own pants, is me—Spiderman.
Desperate, and frustrated, I begin to hysterically strive for the zipper, spinning in circles like a drunken dog, chasing his own tail or floor-dragging over-sized penis. The zipper is just out of reach and I’m frantically trying to get at it. I’m knocking over rolls of toilet paper and candles. I hit the tooth brushes and soap off the counter. I knock towels down and the garbage over. I’m trashing this place, but I don’t care.
Adding to the desperation, little driblets of pee start making their way out.
This is why superheroes never piss in comics.
I’m cursing and screaming and yelling and panicking.
Outside the party goes on. People are having their drinks and playing their games. People are chatting and flirting and looking real funny in their costumes. People are having a gay old, all around, drunken Halloween experience. Meanwhile, having finally worked the zipper down enough to have some give, I am in the middle of an Incredible Hulk moment, screaming as I pull the suit off!
“YAAAAAAARG!”
I struggle the suit down to my knees, hunch over the toilet, and piss. I piss and piss and piss. It feels like a hot explosion of utter, thankful, relief.
My legs are shaking and I’m holding my hold body up by leaning against the wall with my forearm. I’m wavering a bit as I pee. I can’t tell if it’s from being drunk, from being dizzy, or from the unbridled pleasure of finally relieving myself. Maybe all three.
As I urinate, I literally moan out loud, as if I’m having an orgasm. It feels so good.
“Oh thank god...” I mutter to myself.
Little do I know, my adventures in the bathroom are just beginning…
---
From behind the door a drunken, muffled voice asks if I’m OK.
It’s Jake. This is Jake’s party, at Jake’s parents’ house.
“People heard screaming? Noises?” Jake slurs.
“I’m fine,” I say as I turn to talk to the door over my shoulder. My speech is slurred and I sway as I talk. “Just had a bit of a hiccup here.”
All around there is crap on the floor: broken candles and tooth brushes on the floor, old bits of floss and toilet paper from the garbage strewn about.
“Nothing to worry about man,” I continue.
A cool breeze grazes my ass and I’m reminded that I’m pissing like a 6 year old, with my pants and underwear around my knees. My naked ass is hanging out for the whole world to see.
“Are you sure man? They said you were making lots of noise in there.”
“It’s fine,” I lie.
“OK,” Jake says. “Well, other people are waiting.”
“Yeah. I’m almost done,” I tell him.
Exit Jake.
I turn back to the toilet and continue my blissful piss.
As I piss I notice something... strange, about the towels by toilet. I lean in a bit to look at them. They’re wet.
Getting closer, I notice a distinct pungent smell.
Someone pissed all over Jake’s towels!
I lean back in disgust and revulsion. The towels have been peed on; so has the wall, and the floor. I start to wonder what kind of inconsiderate jackass would piss all the bathroom and then just leave. Who at this party would be such a jerk?!
Then a moment of clarity in an otherwise drunken night sends piss shivers down my spine.
“Oh shit...” I gasp.
It’s amazing what you miss when you’re drunk. What you don’t think about.
It hits me like a penis slap across the face... the whole time I was turned away, talking to Jake, I was holding my penis. When I turned to talk to the door, I turned my whole body. When I turned to talk to him, I aimed away from the toilet.
I am that jerk. I am that jackass. I just pissed all over his bathroom!
“Oh come on!” I shout in frustration.
This is not good!
---
Errors come and go. They come a lot more when we’re drunk, but that’s just the way of things. Unfortunately when you’re drunk, you tend to panic, and try to do too many things at once. That’s what I start doing.
There is pee all over the floor; behind the toilet, on the wall, on the towels. The worst part is all the stuff I knocked over trying to get my suit off, anything even remotely close to the toilet is now resting in urine.
“God damn fucking pee,” I’m mumbling to myself.
I start trying to force myself to finish pissing so I can try to clean up my own urine. I start wiggling my hips and shifting back and forth. I clench my butt and push, trying to make the piss come even faster.
I can’t piss any faster.
Unwilling to wait, I start sifting through the random bathroom supplies on the shelf above the toilet looking for something, anything to clean with. As I fumble around in the cabinet, all I can find are medication and hygiene products. I repeatedly toss them aside, becoming more frustrated with each failed attempt to locate anything remotely related to cleaning.
Then, in my rush, I knock a small bottle of lotion, and a bag of open cotton balls into the toilet.
I make a half assed attempt to grab the lotion as it falls but only end up peeing on the wall again, as I smack the lotion down, into the toilet faster, so that it makes a big splash when it lands.
I quickly aim back at the toilet and watch helplessly as the bobbing cotton balls sink under the bombardment of my stream of yellow.
“Shit!” I exclaim in a panicked voice.
The last few drops finally forced out, I quickly flush the toilet, with the notion that I’ll grab everything out of the toilet once the water has been cleansed. Like the inebriated idiot that I am, I flush the toilet, never thinking it might clog. Obviously, it does.
Everything swirls together in a yellow-ish disgusting funnel, before the bottle and little white balls with their bag all simultaneously are sucked into the toilet, and proceed to clog the unseen plumbing.
As the yellow-stained water gurgles towards the brim of the porcelain seat I let out a loud, girlish scream and turn to dart away.
Unfortunately I’m so distracted that I forget about the heroic suit tangled about my knees, constricting my legs. In my attempt to flee I’m tripped by the damned Spiderman costume and fall to my doom.
Falling towards a floor flowing with urine and toilet water, I scream and thrash frantically, desperately trying to stop my tumble. I reach and grab and claw for anything that might stop me. The only thing within my reach however is the shower curtain.
On the up side, I do manage to cleanly grab the curtain as I fall. On the down side, it doesn’t stall my tumble in the slightest, and instead I end up merely ripping it off the shower rod, and bringing it down to join me in a pool of piss.
I land on the floor with a loud, wet “THUD!” My only solace is that I didn’t land face down.
I lay there, injured and in a pool of my own liquid waste. I hear people outside laughing and enjoying the party. I can’t help but feel like they’re laughing at me.
And this was supposed to be such a fun night.
Someone knocks on the door again and asks if I’m OK.
I don’t even know what to say anymore.
---
Outside the bathroom everyone is enjoying themselves and their friends in their ridiculous costumes on a fun Halloween night. And inside the bathroom, is Spiderman, now bare ass naked, cleaning piss on his hands and knees.
After my fall, I took a moment to reflect on the sheer lunacy of the situation in which I found myself: Laying in my own urine, in a now soaking wet Spiderman suit on Halloween.
After the toilet stopped flooding, my first act was to tear that damned suit off and toss it in the tub. My underwear was also soaked so it went too.
My next task was to take a deep, long breath and reach into a toilet of yellow water to wrestle out the lotion and as many cotton balls as I could. It took me at least 5 minutes of sloshing around in piss water to get those damned things out. However, once I had, the toilet flushed and drained without incident.
At this point I was so used to being soaked in piss that I wasn’t even disgusted anymore.
I grabbed everything up off the floor that I could and tossed it into the sink. Candles, and pictures, and soap. I briefly debated whether or not a toothbrush that’s been soaked in piss can ever truly be clean again. I decided to throw it out.
With as much tidied up as possible, I got on my hands and knees, with the urine stained towels, and tried my best to soak up all the water and piss on the floor.
That about brings you up to speed.
With the bathroom as clean as I can make it on such short notice, I hop in the shower with the piss soaked fabrics and try to cleanse this horrible stain from my memory.
I turn the water on as hot as I can stand, and take an entire bottle of shampoo and pour it over the clump of towels and clothes in the far corner of the tub. As the water hits the clump, soapy yellow water runs off and over my feet, on its way towards the drain. I realize I should’ve reversed the positions of the fabrics and myself.
I kneel down and start trying to working the shampoo into the fabric, to try and wring out all the yellow water. It’s a disgusting chore that I do very half-assed before I can’t be bothered to do it anymore.
Grossed out and feeling like I’ve been bathing in human excrement, I grab a bar of soap and work up the biggest lather of my life, and start to erase this whole event from my soul.
I scrub and I scrub and I scrub, but no matter how much soap I use, I don’t feel clean. I grab the bottle of shampoo and empty it all over myself. Then I grab the conditioner. Then the body wash.
It all mixes together and runs over my whole body. Like weird cleansing slime.
Ironically, even though I’m doused in cleaning products, it kind of feels like being covered in semen, and that cursed thought makes me feel even grosser.
As I begin to feel like I’ve just had an all too sexy encounter with Slimer, I realize that maybe I over did it with the soap.
Then, a knock at a door. “JD what the hell are you doing man?! Are you showering in there? People are waiting man!” It’s Jake.
“No man!” I slur back. “Just, give me a minute.” I start hastily trying to smear all the soap and shampoo all over to hurry the cleansing process along. Being drunk and trying to shower are not two things that go easily together.
“You totally are!” Jake exclaims in an intoxicated drawl. He starts banging on the door.
“No!” I shout. “Don’t come in, I’m naked!”
I clench my eyes shut in pain as I suddenly and accidentally push a huge glob of shampoo or conditioner or body wash into my eyes. “AH! God damn it!”
I reach up to try and clear them out but my hands are covered in the weird cleaning mixture too.
Jake laughs, “Oh my god do you have a girl in there man?!”
I mumble something to him as I push my face under the shower head, trying to clean off my eyes.
“Guys,” Jake calls to the party, “JD is scoring with a girl in the bathroom!”
“What?!” I shout. “No I’m not! Blah!” I spit out the soapy water that falls in my mouth as I defend myself from Jake. “Blah...” I repeat to myself.
My eyes are really soapy, having worked up a lather. I keep trying to brush the cleaning liquids aside but they’ve obviously made their way in under my eyelids. It stings badly and my vision has gone to shit.
In my head I just keep going over and over everything that’s happening. It reminds me of those dreams where you go to school or to a party naked, only it’s worse. It’s like a terrible pissy nightmare. I keep expecting to wake up any second.
“Guys who is missing? She’s getting nailed by JD right now!” Jake calls.
Outside, people suddenly start a massive woman-hunt for the offending female. They start doing head counts and girls start looking for their friends, trying to account for everyone and discover who the missing person is. Only, as you and I both know though, they’re not going to find anyone missing.
The worst part of it all is as more and more people are checked, they are told what is going on, and they too laugh hysterically and join in on the search.
I realize around now that showering without a shower curtain is a bad idea. The bathroom floor is again soaked. I curse in my head and try to formulate a plan while I continue to debate with Jake.
“JD,” Jake mumbles through the door, “get her to moan or something, I want to guess who she is.”
“What?! I’m not doing that!” I defend drunkenly.
“Yeah!” I hear two new voices shout in support of Jake’s request. It’s Fiona and Ellie, two of my sister-like friends. Unfortunately they’re also two girls who get into a lot of trouble when they’re drunk together. Unfortunate for me I mean.
“Get her to moan!” Fiona tells me.
“Moan girl!” Ellie demands.
By the sounds of their voices I can tell they’re wasted.
“Guys, there is no girl! Please go away!” I shout.
“Just a little moan man,” Jake says earnestly. “I won’t tell anyone.”
“There’s two other people by the door and you’re yelling it to the entire party!” I exclaim. “I’m not getting her to moan!”
“Aha!” Jake exclaims with glee, “So there is a girl!”
“What... no... I meant that there is no girl to moan!”
“You’re such a liar man,” Jake yells.
“C’mon girl,” Fiona pleads. “Moan like this... uhhhhhhhh.”
“Oh yeah,” Ellie adds. She lets out a clear sexual moan too. “Come on!”
“What the fuck...?” I mumble to myself. But they’re just beginning.
---
I stand there, in the shower, attempting to slow the alcohol-induced swaying while I let the water cleanse me. The girls proceed to moan back and forth at the door, asking if I can get my non-existent hook-up to moan like them.
Jake is laughing hysterically at the girls’ antics. “JD, man, these girls are so fucked up.”
I’ve given up on my eyes for the moment. They still hurt from the soap, but I can kind of see out of them now.
Even though I’m under the shower, the soap and the shampoo and the conditioner is all so viscous that it’s really not coming off easily. It really is like cum. And because my hands are covered in it too, every attempt to rub this crap off me just seems to smear it around.
“Guys there’s no girl!” I shout in frustration, but to no avail.
Fiona continues to groan sexily while Ellie let’s out little whimper sex noises. They start to describe stripping each other, and rubbing each other’s breasts and pussies. They talk about making out and getting fucked. They’re shouting and moaning and trying to be fucking bitches!
“Yeah fuck me with your fist!” Ellie yells. “I want to cum on your face!”
“God! Your nipples are rock hard!” Fiona retorts, following her statement with another loud moan.
Despite really not wanting to, all I can imagine is Fiona and Ellie eating each other out, playing with each other’s tits, fucking, naked, right in front of me.
I’m hanging my head, leaning against the shower, while the water slower cleanses my body.
“Guys...” I plead in a defeated voice, but they don’t stop.
“Yeah! Yeah! Do me! Do me!” Ellie continues to yell.
“Do you like that? Do you?!” Fiona exclaims.
“Uh!” Ellie yells. “Yes! Uh! Harder!”
I stand there, drunk and naked in Jake’s shower, covered in smooth silky soap, being talked off by two sexy females. I close my eyes and try to fight it, but there’s no fighting the male anatomy sometimes.
Ellie continues to moan sexily, while Fiona describes their fucking.
I clearly feel myself getting an erection.
FUCK!
Jake is telling me that people need to piss while Ellie and Fiona continue to pound and knock on the door as they describe their sexcapades. They are moaning and groaning and describing scenes of pure ecstasy and pleasure. Maybe it’s the anxiety, or maybe it really is the images of my two female friends naked, but despite my best efforts, my dick keeps getting bigger.
I sigh, “Man OK, there is a girl in here and you’re fucking my chances up. Come on, piss off, all of you...”
As if no better moment existed, I hear a report from another party goer shouted across the house, “Man no one is missing! JD is lying, he’s not hooking up!”
“Fuck me! Fuck me!” Fiona is pleading. “JD is this getting you off? Fuck me harder!”
“Stop trying to get me off!” I yell in anger.
“What?!” Jake yells in a betrayed voice. “No one is missing?! JD you lied to me man!”
“You raunchy slut,” Ellie smirks in a playful tone.
“What the fuck man! Piss off! All of you!” I yell.
“You’re so big JD!” Fiona calls. “You’re so big!”
They’re pounding on the door.
Bang, bang, bang!
“Are you... are you masturbating in there?” Jake asks.
I return to hanging my head, not even bothering to answer Jake.
I try to think of the ugliest, nastiest, most horrible thoughts I can conjure. I try to think of fat people barfing. I try to think of homeless men taking shits. I try to think of people being shot in the face. I try to think of the nastiest, grossest, most disgusting and appalling thoughts that I can. I try to do anything that might distract my penis from the sexual noises coming from Fiona and Ellie. But my penis is a good listener, and amongst the horrific images in my head, is the random image of myself fucking Fiona and Ellie.
God damn bitches!
“Ram it in me! In my gaping hole!” Ellie yells.
“Do me! Do me JD! Ride me!” Fiona is yelling.
My hard on isn’t going anywhere.
“Dude let’s go already. Peeeeeeople are waaaaaaaiting!” Jake says in a mocking tone.
“Man I am naked...” I sigh, repeating myself yet again. It’s as if they’re not even listening to me.
“So are we!” the girls both yell in sexy groans.
---
I guess it was to be expected. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I guess it was really just a perfect storm of shitty luck, but all the banging and knocking the door actually hits it open. Jake and his fucking cheap ass house and shitty bathroom locks! The girls, in their throes of ecstasy, knock the bathroom door open. I assume by accident, but who knows at this stage.
There is a loud click and it takes me a moment to realize that the bathroom door is swaying open. Everything that happens next, happens in slow motion.
I panic and jump out of the shower without even turning it off, without even fully washing off. I forget however, that when you shower without a shower curtain, the floor tends to get soaked. Thanks to the flooded floor and my soapy body, I slip and fall for the second time this evening.
Jake doesn’t even realize that the door is open at first, but when he does he casually steps in, probably thinking that I opened the door. The girls don’t notice that they’ve knocked the door open, and are continuing to yell pleas of carnal pleasure.
Jake steps into the bathroom in his James Bond tuxedo and immediately his jovial smile and carefree swagger fades as he finds a rather disturbing sight. There I am, sitting on the flooded bathroom floor, half-covered in liquid soap, back against the tub, grimacing in pain, with a giant hard on. The shower is running, his sink is full of crap from around his bathroom, all his towels are drenched in the tub, and everything smells like piss.
Jake immediately starts screaming out incoherent sentences.
I jump to my feet and step defensively back into the shower, like a frightened squirrel, trying to hide its nuts.
Jake becomes a bit more lucid as the shock fades into just pure confusion.
“Dude, what the fuck?!” Jake exclaims. “Why are you naked?!”
“W... Why? What? What the fuck man?! I SAID I WAS NAKED! Why the fuck would you come in?! Get out man! Get out!”
“Me?! Why did you open the door man?!” he shouts.
“WHAT?! No I didn’t!” I shout.
In the hall Fiona stands in her kitty costume and Ellie in her angel garb. Despite their moans and calls to the contrary, neither were naked, nor were they lezzing out or scissoring. They both just stand there expressionless.
“Why are you naked man?” he asks again.
“I told you I was naked!” I shout.
“Dude who the fuck gets naked at a party?!” Jake retorts.
I’m angry and in shock. Part of me can’t believe my own situation. This is the kind of stuff you hear about happening to a friend of a friend of friend. This is the kind of stuff they make up for movies. This is the kind of stuff you have nightmares about. You never really expect it could happen to you.
Behind the girls are a few other party-goers. Everyone is staring dumbfounded at me. If they are saying anything at me, I don’t know it. All I can focus on is my argument with Jake.
“Why do you have an erection man?!” he yells.
“Dude!” I exclaim. “Why are you looking there? Don’t look there! Look at my eyes. Why would you look there man? What on earth could you possibly find that would be good there man!”
“But dude...why...?” Jake reasserts.
“Them!” I yell. I reach up and point at Fiona and Ellie but immediately notice their eyes grow wider and recognize that I just revealed half my penis. Realizing that I am standing in full view of everyone in the shower, my penis barely covered by the grip of my two hands. I immediately hop to my knees and press my dick up against the tub wall, concealing it from view.
“Those girls man! They were... with the tits... and their pussies... and... and ride me JD, ride me! ... I’m a very visual person man!”
Jake continues to stare as I press my penis up against his tub. He is half standing in the bathroom, unsure of what to say or do. I kneel there awkwardly, naked, like Jake, unsure of what to say or do either.
As if the sheer incredibleness of the situation suddenly fades and practical matters are once again realized, Jake gives me a confused look and asks me about the shower curtain.
“Where’s my curtain?” he asks.
“Your curtain?”
“Yeah my shower curtain man!” he exclaims. “Why aren’t you behind the shower curtain man? And where the fuck is my shower curtain man?”
“I ripped it down and pissed on it...” I say embarrassed.
“Man... WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?!” Jake yells.
“OK look! So I... man I pissed... and when you talked to me... all over your bathroom dude! Dude I pissed! Then I was washing man. I washed everything. I ripped the shower and peed on it! I pissed man! By mistake man! Look can you get the hell out of here already! Close the door... please!”
He has this shocked look on his face, as if he doesn’t know what to believe but also doesn’t know what to say.
We all stand there for a moment, no one really knowing what to do or say. Everyone is wide-eyed, staring at me.
Finally, Jake speaks, “All right man. Just... just clean yourself up man. I’ll call you a cab.”
“Yeah that’s a good idea,” I tell him earnestly. “Thanks man! Thanks...”
“Yeah,” he says blankly.
Jake turns around and exits. As he closes the door he addresses the party. “It’s OK guys,” Jake tells them calmly, “he was just masturbating in the shower.”
“What?! I WASN’T MASTURBATING!” I yell as the door closes.
But no one is listening to me.
---
As I wring out my Spiderman costume I realize that in my haste to remove it I completely ripped the zipper in two. The costume is now merely a glorified set of pants. The thought of exiting the party shirtless isn’t too distasteful though, considering a handful of people have already seen me naked.
In the mirror I can see a giant bruise across my back from slipping and falling against the tub. I shake my head in embarrassment.
From the door, a gentle knock comes.
“JD,” Fiona calls softly. “JD?”
I shake the suit a few times and step into it. It’s damp as hell and hard to get into as a result. Standing in a flooded bathroom isn’t helping matters either.
“JD? JD,” Fiona continues. “JD... JD... JD...”
“WHAT?!” I finally scream with anger.
There’s a long pause. I momentarily think she’s here to offer and apology. How foolish of me.
“Did we get you off?” she asks.
I roll my eyes and start tying the ruined top of the Spiderman suit around my waist.
After a moment Fiona speaks again: “JD... know what I’m doing right now?”
I take a deep breath and remind myself that she’s still my friend.
“What?” I ask reluctantly.
Another long pause.
“I’m reaching into my panties...” Fiona whispers sexily.
“Oh god...” I drop my face to my hands.
“I’m starting to massage her breast,” Ellie adds.
“FUCK YOU BOTH!” I scream.
You’ve never done a walk of shame until you’ve done one bare-chested, with a bruised back, with a tattered and ruined on Spiderman costume as your pants, smelling of toilet water and piss, and with a raging erection, because two of your best female friends thought it would be hilarious to talk you off while you tried to dress in peace.
Some advice for the guys out there: If you make a mess while you’re drunk, if you knock stuff around, if you piss on stuff, if you trash a bathroom... just leave it be. Trying can only lead to failing when you’re drunk. And trying to clean up piss can only lead to epic failing. Oh, and when picking out a costume this year, make sure the one you choose has a god damned fly.
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