Man Camping

Someone once told me that honesty is not what you do when other people are watching you, but what you do when no one is watching.

We arrive at the campsite on Friday night. There’s myself, Gord, Jon, and Nick. We’ve all taken the next few days off to come and enjoy one of the last weekends of the summer. The air is fresh, the sun is hot, the trees are plentiful, and the beer is well stocked. Because, let’s face it, camping is a flimsy pretext for drinking. That’s really all there is to it.

I could tell you about hanging out and drinking with my friends on the Friday, but really, nothing all that special happened. We were leaving Sunday afternoon too, which meant that Saturday was our only full day to roam the campsite.

Camping is usually considered a pretty safe activity for guys. Sure we may get drunk and stupid, but there’s not a lot of opportunity to get into real trouble, unless you’re camping with girls of questionable moral character... or you are lucky enough to meet girls of questionable moral character whilst camping. We never planned, expected, or sought it, but on this trip we would become members of the latter category.

We wander around that afternoon, nursing some beers, checking out a few mild hiking paths and finding a cave. We walk by families barbequing lunches with RV’s and kids running around. We pass sunbathers and tents, campfires and campers.

You already know that this isn’t a story about camping per se. Camping is just the setting, it’s not the story. We just happened to be camping when it happened. It could’ve happened in the city, at a friend’s, at a club, or at a bar.

On our leisurely stroll that fateful Saturday afternoon, through the trees and by the beaches, drinking our beers and enjoying the fresh air, we are all getting just about ready to head back to camp when suddenly, out of nowhere, we see four girls walking towards us. Four girls, laughing, holding towels, wet hair, walking away from the beach. Four girls of questionable moral character that awestruck us at first sight. Four girls, who are... topless.

The girls themselves are not bad looking. But let’s be realistic here, these are four girls who decided to not only sunbathe topless, but walk to and from camp topless. If they were supermodels, this would be a porn-induced fantasy. They’re not supermodels, but they’re not bad looking: They’re normal looking girls.

However, there’s one crucial thing you should know about guys: attractiveness is a function of beauty and nudity. The nuder the female, the more attractive she is. So in the end, these girls were decent looking, but their bare, exposed breasts launch them exponentially in our minds.

Needless to say we are all gawking from the moment we see them. As the girls approach, we’re all staring at them, but trying our best not to. It’s just not possible though. I may have a girlfriend back home, but a topless girl is a topless girl.

The girls draw closer and closer and our gazes become more and more obviously fixated on their bare chests.

Clearly, these girls are going to be offended.

Clearly, we look like a bunch of school-aged man-children.

Clearly, none of us are going to be able to break through the awkward social setting before us to engage these girls. Except Gord...

As the girls approach us, Gord suddenly pipes up: “Damn!” he laughs. “You girls are the tits!”

My heart sinks for a moment as I prepare to be embarrassed on his behalf. He basically just called these girls out on their blatant nudity, and surely they would be offended. They would think us pigs or slobs. They would suck their teeth and rolls their eyes at us. They’d pretend to ignore us but laugh at our expense after they walked off a few paces...

Only... they don’t get offended. They pause... look at each other... develop big grins from ear to ear... and laugh. Without missing a beat, Gord introduces himself and the girls, clearly eager, introduce themselves to us.

As I shake hands with a girl possibly named Mindy, I should be entranced by the jiggling of her boobs with each shake of the hand, but instead it’s Gord that has my attention. He’s laughing and talking like nothing is out of the ordinary, like these are just normal girls, while the rest of us can barely speak.

The true mark of game is how you handle yourself under pressure... leave it to Gord...

Sometimes, I’m amazed at how easily Gord pulls through things. He engaged four topless girls in the middle of nowhere this afternoon, and he did it with ease. This from the guy who once ate a small cup of tar-tar sauce, believing it to be a side dish of coleslaw that was included with his fish and chips—from the guy who once wanted to try high-fiving from the driver’s seat of two cars driving towards each other at high speed.

I guess it’s because he doesn’t think things through that he’s good with girls. He doesn’t worry about looking stupid or being rejected. He just does things. And so where most would pass an opportunity by, believing they would fail if they would try, Gord tries anyway. In a way, it’s so simple that it’s genius.

We’re sitting around the fire talking with the fantastic four. After his ice breaker this afternoon, Gord managed to convince all the girls to come to our site for drinks and a fire in the evening. Fast forward six hours and here we are.

There was no Mindy by the way, and I don’t know where that name came from. I forget whom I was shaking hands with after we first met, but the combination of fresh, tanned breasts and Gord’s amazing moves distracted me to a sufficiently dumbfounded level. With the tits now covered and everyone feeling a bit more normal, I was able to actually meet the girls for the first time.

There’s Cayla, a curly haired blonde girl with smaller breasts and kind of an annoying laugh; she’s hanging off Jon’s every word. Then there’s Margeaux, a pretty skinny girl with shorter, dark hair; she’s leaning in Nick’s direction. Then there’s Lisa, a cute Asian girl in boots and a mini-skirt; she’s being held by Gord. And finally, there’s Karen, a brunette with blue eyes, shoulder length hair, and the biggest breasts of the bunch; she’s sitting beside me with her feet resting in my lap.

There’s something so trashy but so hot about a girl wearing super short shorts and flip flops. Karen’s shorts are so high that her ass itself is almost peeking out of her shorts. It doesn’t sound like much, but it’s just one more way in which she seems naked to my brain.

And believe me, the drunker I get, the more I’m picturing her naked. Yes, I’ve got a girlfriend, but I can’t help it.

The entire evening feels like we’ve all got girlfriends on loan. As a group, we have casually playful, yet suggestive conversations. The topics themselves never broach anything more harmful than pop culture, yet the jokes, the innuendo, and the behaviours make it all very clear. The girls give us playful shoves. The graze their hands or legs on our bodies “accidentally”. The girls ask to taste our drinks. The girls say they’re cold and snuggle in more and more with us. And the girls joke about each others’ ravenous sexual appetites.

It’s a social faux-pas in a group situation to blatantly tell a man how horny you are, despite how much you may both want to hear it. But when your friend does it under the guise of a joke, somehow it’s OK. And whether sarcastic or not, it’s definitely a signal.

In my head I keep trying to remind myself that I’ve got a girlfriend. And I keep telling myself that everything is innocent. So what if the girls are joking about blow jobs and making out? So what if they’re cuddling into us? So what if a cute, available girl is resting her feet on my dick? Nothing has crossed a line. If this were a movie, it’d be rated PG-13 at worst. No, not even. It’d be rated G!

My conscience tells me that this is as far as things are going tonight. My conscience tells me that I’m not a cheater. My conscience is struggling to dig up happy memories with my girlfriend, remind me of how much fun she is, remind me of my first kiss with her and how exciting it was to start to date her. But as hard as my conscience is trying, my dick is trying harder... so to speak.

Karen’s feet gently rest in my lap, occasionally brushing over my member. As she does, I can’t help but stare at her naked legs. I can’t help but stare up her legs, to where they meet her shorts. Her short, short, shorts. So short in fact, that I’m convinced I can see the bottom of her ass.

In those moments, it’s difficult to really remember my own name, let alone that I’m already seeing someone. And each time it happens, my dick grows just a little bit stronger... so to speak.

I tell myself that we’re all just hanging out, we’re all just having fun, but no matter how many times I tell this to myself, I know it’s a lie.

As I stare at Karen’s cleavage and perfect smile, my caveman, Neanderthal mind wants only one thing: fuck. Sex with this girl who isn’t my girlfriend, that’s all I can think of. The sad thing is, the fact that she isn’t my girlfriend just makes me want it all that much more.

A voice in the back of my head is telling me that I will always regret cheating. But another is telling me that I will always regret not. It’s telling me that I will always wish I’d fucked Karen, that I’ll always wonder what it would’ve been like, I’ll always fantasize about having done it, and I’ll forever wish I could go back and have that chance just one more time.

I guess it’s just a matter of deciding which regret I can live with.

I’m not naive. I’m not stupid. Even with the little blood left in my brain thanks to the abundance draining to my lower half, I still know what’s happening here. It’s obvious to everyone. No one needs clarify. No one needs confirm. It’s no accident that each girl is giving most of their attention to only one guy. These girls, are down. These girls, are ready. These girls, ooze sex. And tonight, these girls are going to fuck us.

As I talk to Karen, I am still drawn inexplicably to stare at her breasts. I do it as sneakily as I can. I wait until she looks away, or isn’t paying attention. But I can’t help it. If you thought guys stared at your tits a lot, try flashing them your bare breasts earlier in the day.

Even in the dim moonlight and inconsistent flashes from the fire, I can tell Karen’s not wearing a bra. Mostly due to her erect nipples poking against her t-shirt.

Her dainty feet are resting in my lap and I can’t help but stare at her long, bare legs, and imagine the rest of her naked. Her shorts are so short in fact, that her pussy is being hidden by the thinnest strips of jean.

Her eyes are beautiful and as she talks I keep focusing on her ruby lips and imagine them sucking my dick.

Eventually, unsurprisingly, I start to get a hard on.

When I do, it presses against Karen’s feet, and she stops mid-sentences and smiles at me slyly.

Uh oh...

She grins a little more and starts to rub her feet in my crotch.

Uh oh!

As the blood rushes from my brain and into my genitals, it becomes harder and harder to remember that I have a girlfriend. I’m trying... I’m trying so hard. But the impromptu foot job is tempting the fuck out of me.

Realizing that I need an out, I look at my beer; my full, fresh beer. I look at Karen, then back at my beer, and sigh. I start to chug my beer. I guzzle and chug and burp the whole thing down. It takes a minute or two, and everyone kind of stops for a second to watch me, since this came out of nowhere. When I’m done, I shrug, “Time for another.” I push Karen’s feet off my erection and awkwardly rush over to the cooler, away from Karen and her easy sexual availability.

I try to remember that I have a girlfriend. But at the moment, I’m too busy trying to justify cheating. I’m too busy trying to frame tonight as an exception, as a night that need not be counted. I’m too busy trying to re-evaluate the meaning of relationships, and the implications of sexual intercourse.

What am I going to do...?!

As the night wears on, Cayla asks Jon to escort her to the washrooms. He smiles and agrees. She grabs some drinks and so does he. Jon and Cayla aren’t coming back tonight.

My heart starts to race. Everyone knows where Jon and Cayla are going, yet no one’s saying it explicitly. Nonetheless, the absence of Jon and Cayla seems to be the catalyst for the hook ups to begin. Jon and Cayla have barely been gone two minutes before Lisa tells Gord that she wouldn’t mind lying down for a bit. It’s code, for “Fuck me now”.

Gord smiles too and stands up.

My heart is racing more and more.

I have a girlfriend. I need to go to bed.

Gord takes Lisa into his and Jon’s tent. Nick makes some joke about Gord and Lisa behaving themselves in the tent, alone, and everyone laughs. It breaks the tension and awkwardness of everything a bit, but clearly they’re going to get down.

Now just Nick, Margeaux, Karen, and myself sit around the dim campfire. The woods behind us are pitch black, the chirp of crickets fill the air, to smell of firewood and night are all around us, and in Gord’s tent, we can faintly make out the sounds of clothes being removed.

Nick and Margeaux look at each other and then at us.

“Well,” Nick says. “We should turn in too.”

My heart sinks.

Nick takes Margeaux’s hand and they step into mine and Nick’s tent. Unlike Gord, Nick makes no attempt to hide his actions, and we instantly hear them begin to make out.

I look over at Karen and she gives me a look, as if she’s asking for permission. I don’t respond, I don’t know what to respond with. She slowly repositions herself and sits on my lap, grinding her ass on my obvious hard-on a bit as she does. She whispers to me that she’s cold and as she pulls my arms around her.

She tries to lock eyes with me, and I know why: she’s going to kiss me. The second I look up at her, she’s going to press her lips to mine, jam her tongue in my mouth, and we’re going to end up having sex.

So, I do the only thing I can do: I stick my face in her breasts, and pull her towards me. She rests her head on mine, and I wrap my arms around her and gently rub her back. I sit there, with a an eager and willing hottie, my face resting on her tits, my arms wrapped around her, her sitting on my lap with my raging hard cock, praying that I can somehow get out of kissing her tonight.

I tell myself over and over that it’s just innocent. It’s just cuddling. I’m not a cheater. I’m doing this to stop from cheating.

Neither of us say anything, we both just sit there in the dark woods, in each other’s embrace, listening to Gord fuck Lisa, and Nick fuck Margeaux.

Ah... camping...

Nearly an hour later, and Karen and I are still sitting in the dark by ourselves. All semblance of noise from the tents has faded, and I’m pretty sure everyone is passed out. Karen’s still on my lap, but I’m pretending to be half asleep, hoping she’ll get the message.

She asks how I’m doing and I mumble: “So... sleepy...”

I’m not sure what Karen is thinking. We’ve sat here for an hour, just holding each other. Maybe she thinks I’m a coward, or I’m an idiot who doesn’t have a clue. Either would be fine with me I think.

She tried a few times to pull my face upwards to hers, but I just kept playing stupid. When she would place her hand on my chin I would ask her to stroke my face. When she would try to push us apart, enough to give us space to kiss, I would simply reposition my head to her shoulder.

We sat for nearly an hour, having only sporadic conversation. She tried valiantly to get me in a fucking mentality. She asked me about my favourite position, and the most public place I’ve ever fucked someone. She sensually rubbed my ears with her finger tips, and told me that I was cute.

And yet, despite everything she’s done, I’ve somehow managed to hold out. Even my dick seems to have give up hope, having abandoned his combat readiness and receded like a turtle, back into his more compact form.

Finally, she tells me that she’s sleepy, that she wants to go to bed. I pretend to stir from a light sleep and she repeats herself, gently stroking my face to wake me up.

I decide that I have two options. I could walk her back to her campsite or let her stay here. Given the choice between a secluded walk or a tent with Nick and Margeaux, I figure that the tent may lead her to abandon her quest for dick. After all, our friends will be sleeping right beside us.

Karen gets up and goes to pee behind some bushes before joining me in the tent. I kick off my shoes and hop in the tent, fully clothed. I look over and Nick and Margeaux are clearly naked. They’re both covered mostly by the sleeping bag, but bare shoulders and naked legs reveal their nudity.

Outside the tent, Karen returns from the washroom and is getting ready to come in. She steps out of her flip flops and in the moonlight I see her unzip her shorts and pull them down.

I immediately turn away and stare at the wall of the tent. You’ve heard of going to a happy place when you’re in trouble? Well I’m trying to go to the least sexually appealing place that my mind has to offer.

I hear her pull her shirt off too, and I can’t help but peak. In the moonlight, I can see that she is totally naked, save for her panties.

My dick hardens instantly.

Fuck... and I thought he was done for the night...

As she steps into the tent, I turn away and pretend to be sleeping.

She slides in beside me, face to face. I feel her hand touch my cheek and start to pull my face towards hers as she wraps her naked leg around me.

I pretend to make a groggy, sleepy groan and roll over.

My heart is racing. My dick is screaming at me to forget about my girlfriend.

“Fuck her!” it’s screaming. “Fuck her! Fuck both her and your girlfriend! As in physically fuck this one and metaphorically fuck to your girlfriend. She’ll never know. She’ll never find out. It doesn’t matter. It’s just a fuck. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s your dick in a hole! Fuck her! FUCK HER!”

My head swarms with thoughts of adultery... and my poor, drunk brain can barely hang on. All of a sudden all kinds of justifications start coming up for why I should cheat. What is cheating anyway? Just because your dick goes in someone else it doesn’t mean you don’t love or care about the person you’re dating? Plus we just agreed to be exclusive a few weeks ago, it’s too new of an agreement to be taken seriously. Plus, what if it doesn’t last with Mel? I mean even if it does, and she never knows, from her perspective it never happened.

I’m begging my brain to stop, and wishing that Karen would.

But instead, she starts to nibble my ear while she slides her hand around to the front of my jeans.

I roll over again, on to my stomach now.

“Are you crazy?! Just fuck her! You’ve rejected her so many times tonight, SO many times and she’s still ready, she’s still eager! She’s going to be so grateful if you do it. She’s going to fuck you harder than you’ve ever been fucked before! Fuck your girlfriend! Fuck her by fucking Karen!”

I can’t hear anything over my heartbeat, but Karen fumbles around with something before I feel her take my hand.

“I’m asleep... I’m asleep... I’m asleep...” I keep repeating over and over in my head.

She slowly pulls my hand down and rests it on her groin. She took her panties off. I can feel... her!

“Wake up JD...” she whispers in my ear. “I want you inside me.”

God damn you universe!!!

“I want your hard dick in my wet pussy,” she says as she bites my ear.


I curse everything and everyone that ever existed for what I do next. I regret it to this day. I regret what I did, why I did it, why I was even in that situation, that I went camping, that I was born, and that I currently was alive! I fucking hate camping! I will always hate camping! I’ll never camp again! AHHHHHH!!!

In a blur I dive and trip out of the tent as I blurt, “I have a girlfriend! I have a girlfriend!!!” I frantically grab my shoes, scramble to my feet, and run. I run harder than I ever have before. I grimace in pain as I run off into the woods, hurting with each step that I take. I’d like to tell you that it was a spiritual pain, but running with a throbbing hard erection meant that it was more physical than anything.

I’m sitting in the dim glow of the bathroom building’s outside lights. Both my dick and feet are raw. My dick, from running with a hard on, and my feet, from running without putting my shoes on.

I’m too ashamed to go back. Too embarrassed to face her.

Of all the ways to handle it, I fucking ran away.

I pull my shoes on to my muddy feet and lace them up. I check my phone. It’s almost 4am. I sigh. Maybe by 9am... 10am... the girls will be gone? The woods are pitch black, I’m exhausted, I just want to sleep, and I have nowhere to go.

I try to reassure myself: “It’s only 5 or 6 hours right?”

In my head the mental image of a completely naked, willing, and eager Karen flashes by my eyes. I drop my head to my hands and curse my life. Were my dick not so sore, I might jerk off to her image...

Ah, who am I kidding? I do anyway...

I return to the camp site just after 10am. The guys are out and cooking over the fire. Jon is back, and the girls are gone. The guys all look well rested and happy. And they’re still fucking talking about how awesome last night was.

I want nothing to do with life anymore.

“Who would have thought!” Jon laughs.

“Gord you are the king man, for getting those girls here,” Nick says. “I felt like I was in a porno!”

Gord notices me walk up.

“Well, well, well...” Gord smirks. “What the hell happened to you?”

I grimace at him angrily.

I don’t want to talk to them. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I want to be sleeping. I want to be unconscious.

“Seriously man,” Jon says. “Where the fuck did you go? Was there a fifth girl we didn’t know about?”

I grimace again and they all laugh.

“C’mon JD...” Nick prods.

“I ran the fuck away!” I admit angrily.

They’re staring at me, shocked.

“So you… ran away… from…” Jon starts.

“Yes! OK? I ran away from Karen when she tried to fuck me…”

They are still shocked.

I sigh. “Fucking girls...” I curse under my breath.

“Isn’t that exactly what you didn’t do last night?” Jon asks with a laugh.

Gord smiles, “Well good for you man. Monogamy is important.”

“Shut up,” I snap.

I just want to collapse in my tent and sleep away the rest of this weekend. I jerked off four times thinking about Karen in the woods. And what killed me about it was each time I could’ve actually been having sex with her. Anyone who’s jerked off to the image of a girl they might actually soon get to fuck has no idea how satisfying it is. Yet in my case, all that excitement and satisfaction was mixed with agony and regret. Yet I couldn’t help it.

Every time I imagined fucking her I cursed myself for not actually fucking her. And it only made me yearn for her that much more.

I just want to forget this whole bloody weekend. But I can’t just yet...

Nick laughs, “Yeah thanks JD.”

“For what?” I ask.

I unzip my tent, preparing to collapse inside.

“My first three way,” he laughs and high-fives Gord.

I pause in my tracks. “What...?”

The universe wouldn’t do this to me...

“Yeah!” Nick exclaims. “So after I fucked Margeaux we passed out. But then at some point, I get woken up by some girl giving me head! I think it’s Margeaux at first but she’s totally passed out beside me. So I’m so confused and I look down, it’s fucking Karen!”

“What...?” I repeat angrily.

There’s no way the universe would do this to me...

“Yeah!” Nick laughs. “It was so awesome man. She sucks me off then crawls on top and we just fuck right there, right by her sleeping friend! I guess I have you to thank since you turned her down or whatever.”

There’s no way the fucking universe would do this to me!

I am staring at him in shock and awe.

Nick is still laughing. “It seriously was like a porn man, you have no idea. I will remember this for the rest of my life! My first threesome!”

Universe!!! You fucking piece of shit!!!

“Technically,” Jon interrupts, “you didn’t have a threesome. You just slept with two girls in one night.”

“What?!” Nick looks disappointed.

“Although,” Gord adds. “By the transitive property he did have a threesome.”

“What? No,” Jon says. “By the transitive property Karen fucked Margeaux, since Nick fucked them both.”

Gord looks at me unsure, “Is that right?”

I drop my head to my hands once again and muffle my agonizing scream: “FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!”

I should be happy that I didn’t cheat, but it’s a bitter sweet victory. I’m not saying I’d do it different if I had the chance. But give me a fucking break... how many times in your life will a sure thing come along? How many times in your life will you have a chance to have a fling that easily? I was so close... it would’ve been so easy... I’ve never and will probably never have an easier time getting a girl. It will always be something I regret, but not because I would cheat on my girlfriend if I could go back. Instead, because I wish I could’ve had it both ways.

You win this round you cruel fucking universe... you win this round...

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